“In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and
confident trust is your strength.” Is. 30:15
Choosing a career change in my mid 40’s shifted me into “survival mode” for the past two years and it was everything but “rest, quietness and confident trust” in God. So now, I am in a season of returning, repentance, and trying to decompress. I left New York after 6 months, having gathered my necessary units to become a “certified” chaplain and a disappointing revelation that chaplaincy is a very “unspiritual” field. I have learned that my “coping” mechanisms from childhood are still alive and well when encountering abusive authority figures. I wondered at how most people work a 40 hour work week in toxic environments controlled by nonsensical dictators with political agendas that dehumanize employees to meet the required metrics. I desperately missed operating my fitness and massage business, which was purely motivated to help others with healthy lifestyle transformation. I was offended by my supervisors who expected me to “change my communication style” to make them feel more powerful. Looking back, I can say “thank God, I don’t have to stay here and tolerate this.” I can see how people get sick in their soul from toxic leadership and environments where they are not valued.
So now that I am finally choosing to live with my bestie, in the luscious greenery of Georgia, I am determined to lay down my career agenda and trust God. Questions come to mind: Why did I have such high expectations of my supervisors to mentor and value me? Why do I fight to be heard and prove my case, when I’m misunderstood? Why do I believe that what I believe actually matters to the world? Why do I still believe that there is a lot that is unjust in this world and I don’t have to suffer in it?
Thanks to Timothy Keller’s wonderful book “The Prodigal God,” I have come to my senses that I have been on a moral crusade resembling the elder son in Jesus’ parable. I can see the unconditional love of the Father allowing me to be crushed by my righteous campaign, until I realize that I am once again exhausted and unable to do anything but REST. I feel the caution of the Spirit quickening me to “BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.”
There is so much loss around me. My mother lost her husband and soon I’ll be flying home to comfort her. My cousin in Hawaii just passed and he was only a few years older than I. My bestie’s father was diagnosed with cancer. Life is fragile. Do I really want to waste my life defending my self? What if I let go of all my anger raging against the evils of this world and rest, repent, be quiet and confidently trust that GOD has me? What will I lose but my participation in the life-sucking rat race? God gives us free will and we must choose to enter His rest so we may live our best life, IN AND WITH HIM. Our best day on earth is LIFE IN REST.